I speak here {^_^}


October 17, 2020

Turned 23 this time! :)

I’m grateful to everyone who in one or the other way, was with me, and helped me become the person, I’m today! All the just criticisms, the healthy criticisms, the directions, the mentorship, the care, the support I received from everyone & anyone, I’m simply grateful to every single one of them. I really mean it from the core of my heart. I know it helped me become better person before anything else!

Over this last year, so many things had happened. And this time, I’m endlessly grateful to God that I learnt so much of life (the hard way, but still in no way real hard. Just a little harder because I was never prepared. My fault, so, I learnt!). Patience is still the hardest thing to practice but there was no option. I learnt that life is not certain (even at some point, when I strongly believed it is, because everything seem to be going all good & nice. Nope, it really isn’t.), and that’s where I realised (not by myself ofcourse! I needed lots of help & some real kick from life), that before anything else, the first thing I should learn is to practice being calm, focused & accepting in the hard times of life. I’m still no way even close to it, but I know I’ve to do it otherwise it’s gonna be real hard to deal with coming life! So, I’m trying once again now!

Other things that will make this year count for me, are my physical health & career.

Even though, I’m 23 now, but the body feels so much young. I really feel like a teenager for the first time in life. I lost 33.5 kgs (as of today) over the last 11 months. And that changed me entirely! I don’t remember when for the last time, I was this happy with myself ever before in my life. I’m confident with my own self & that’s the biggest accomplishment for me!

I met people yesterday, some uncles whom I never liked (no, they’re really good people but I just never liked them) because they pointed out the fat me every single time. Not just them, there is a looooong list of these people actually. Uh, and I was not just fat, I was obese but on top of that, what nobody realised so far was that I was depressed & hopeless. I felt really ugly & really useless, worthless. And all those continuous pointing out from a very young age had broken me entirely. The school, the college time is just something that I don’t want to remember & I just hate it! And the reason, the root cause is already here. I can still feel that burden, the weight I had in my head & heart for (I feel) more than half of my life. I never liked to meet family, there were no friends & nothing actually. It’s still hard to meet people in real life, but I want to do it now. I just want to be happy & happy with myself. I want to do good things for me that I never did even for once.

Ok, I completely lost my point. So, I was saying, I met these people & they were shocked (not exaggerating, they were really shocked. I had to take my mask out to show like, it was me). I can’t really describe the feeling. I just can’t, I don’t have words. I know this change should be for just me & I shouldn’t seek for any validations (at all now), but I felt like I proved myself & I proved them wrong. I don’t know what I proved but I just felt that I achieved something. It’s a big deal for me (but I really pray it should never be like this for anyone. I really really pray that everyone should feel happy with themselves).

Ok, enough now. I love myself now & I’ll take care of me for myself!

I got jobs, I started earning!

Parents are happy because they feel I’m capable of taking care of me (not really, I need them & I really need help but I’m really trying to be the one). And I am happy because I’m capable of doing some things for them & fortunately I did some things, & I saw how happy & emotional I was & they were when I did. For all their life, they had cut their own desires (and now, I see even the neccessities) because they had three almost similar aged children to take care of. I have no idea what all they had to cut, to make us feed, to meet our needs & requirements, the education (God knows, how they did it for all three of us at the same time, paying fees for those fancy coachings, colleges & all other stuff). They had two daughters to marry & I have seen my parents working like anything. So, now when finally I was able to do just even the smallest I could do for them for the first time in life, (although I want to do every freaking big thing for them), it was just some feeling, I can’t describe in words. I just pray all the health & happiness for them now & I wish they expeirence all good in their life now.

And everything I wrote above was impossible, if there were no mentors. I simply owe them everything. Thank you for making me a really better person. Thank you so much!